AlyssaDuring my second year of college I fell into a state of pure panic that has stayed within me for many years. I had recently stopped drinking – which I later learned I had been using to self-medicate my anxiety and depression – and found myself unable to leave my apartment without overwhelming emotions of fear. Sitting in class was a near impossible task for my breathing would be so erratic I’d spend the entire lecture trying to keep myself from fainting. I would seat myself in the corner of the classroom, where I felt the least visible in case a panic attack were to strike, and on many occasions I had to vacant the classrooms for the anxiety was so unbearable I needed to retreat to isolation. It was hell. It was fucking hell.
When I realized I was very close to dropping out of college and continuing my destructive drinking behavior, I talked with a psychiatrist and was immediately – it’s scary how immediately this happened for I have a very addictive personality as many others – put on Lorazepam, an anti-anxiety medication a medication that belongs to a family of tranquilizers called benzodiazepines, that I am still on, seven years later.
My dosage with Lorazepam increased rapidly and I soon found myself taking 4 to 5mg just to get through the day. This concerned my general physician (not my psychiatrist for her response to every ailment was to up my dosage, up my dosage, up my dosage) and I was put on an anti-depressant which I was told would help my anxiety. I’m unsure how well my anti-depressant has helped, even though I’ve been religiously taking it for four to five years. The only difference that was very obvious to me was that I no longer cried. I am a very empathetic soul and crying was an emotional release that helped to clear my mind, if only for a moment. But I was no longer crying. Because of this, I know that many emotions have been suppressed due to the medication I am taking.
During my years of medication I was able to get off of my Lorazepam for what I believe was almost a year but my mind seems blurred. During that time I began practicing meditation and yoga regularly for I saw that it helped decrease my anxiety and stress in ways I had never experienced with my years of medication. This led me to the realization – as well as many hours of personal research – that I was going to be on this medication my whole life if I didn’t completely alter my lifestyle.
In steps CBD. CBD is derived from cannabis however it contains no psychoactive effects unlike THC, which is what gets you high when you use cannabis. I felt a sense of hope when Dab, San Antonio’s first hemp cafe, opened in the 5 Points area. I spoke with the amazing couple, Erika de la Rosa and Gabriel Garza, who had opened Dab and they told me how they had been taking CBD daily and the mental benefits they experienced. Turning away from the pharmaceutical industry and heading down the path of holistic healing is healing all in itself.
For the past three weeks I have been taking 20 to 30mg of pure CBD oil and slowly lowering my dosage of anti-depressants (under my doctors supervision which is vital because you can’t go ‘cold turkey’ on these types of medication, you must slowly get off of it).
When I first lowered my dosage of this drug my body and mind had become accustomed to for years, I was nervous my anxiety would come back full force and I would go back on my medication and the cycle would continue, again. Well, it’s been three weeks and my life has carried on. It’s difficult to pinpoint how much the CBD oil has helped my anxiety for I am still on my Lorazepam (it will take two months to stop taking my anti-depressant and then I’ll move onto lowering my anti-anxiety, again with my GA in the know), but I am so hopeful and excited to add CBD to my wellness lifestyle.
What I have learned throughout these years is that anxiety doesn’t just go away, you have to work to keep it at bay. You must learn the inner most workings of yourself, learn what works for your body and your mind, and never let go.
